In an article by Sarah Benton from Psychology Today, it states: “According to the blog PeopleSkillsDecoded.com, the savior complex can be best defined as ‘A psychological construct which makes a person feel the need to save other people. This person has a strong tendency to seek people who desperately need help and to assist them, often sacrificing their own needs for these people.’ ”
As a HAP (Hopeful Adoptive Parent), we must be on guard about not adopting a mindset that we are “rescuing” or “saving” a child from their current life. Unfortunately, there are people who adopt due to this hero complex. The problem with that is that once the recognition quiets down, the parent is left with a child they really are not that interested in fully raising. Guess who suffers the most ? The child. There are countless adoptee stories documenting this issue all over the internet.
When we adopt, it has to be out of love followed by a lifelong commitment to parent these children you have brought into your home. My brother and I are 50 and 42 respectively, and my dad still says, “Parenthood never ends.”
He’s right, it doesn’t.
I understand that all HAPs don’t struggle with savior complex; however it’s an easy trap to fall into, especially if you’re adopting internationally. Many countries ,particularly those on the continent of Africa, are depicted as being poverty-stricken, plagued with sickness, and incapable of caring for their young. When you see those images, although not entirely accurate, they can lead you to believe that you must save these children from their conditions.
For those adopting domestically, it can be disheartening to learn of the horror stories that occur in the foster care system and to hear of all the babies being found in dumpsters or being abandoned at the hospital.
If any of those scenarios pull on your heartstrings, that’s perfectly normal. However, before pursuing adoption of those little ones, I encourage you to take off your imaginary cape and avoid developing a hero complex.
People with a hero complex tend to have unrealistic expectations and desire recognition that may never truly fulfill them. Instead, look at adoption like this:
According to Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs, love is one of the basic human needs. These children have a need that God has blessed us with the ability to meet. With His help, we should set out to give this child or children the love, belonging, shelter, sustenance, and tools they need to thrive in life.
You have to be intentional about reminding yourself that you are no savior or hero. You’re just someone God is using to fulfill His mandate in James 1:27 “…to care for widows and orphans in their distress.”
We can’t afford a savior complex as HAPs. We are in need of a savior ourselves. Personally, there are days where I question how well I’m going to be able to do this. I ask myself if I have enough life experience to properly raise children? Will I know when it’s time to put my foot down from when it’s time to extend compassion because they’re just acting out due to trauma? Knowing that I’ll sometimes get it wrong, I have to ask God for wisdom every day as a future first time mom.
There’s only one savior, and that’s Jesus. We can only do what He equips us to do. As adoptive parents, we have to teach out kids that Mommy and Daddy didn’t save them. Only Jesus can do that. We just answered His call.
Moreover, adopting a child is not a kind deed to be done just to make you feel good about yourself. It’s a calling and a lifelong commitment that is exhausting, emotional, and expensive. The goal is not so that we can feel good about our good deed. It’s a selfless act that commands no trophy or recognition. It’s to be done out of pure love.
My parents bestowed a wonderful life and childhood to me, and I’m going to impart that same upbringing to my future children. That’s it. We must pursue adoption because we want to be parents, not because we want to save someone or prove something to ourselves or anyone else. These children are people, not projects.
If you can keep that mindset at the forefront of your adoption journey, you and your future snuggle bears will be just fine. I know this post was a little uncomfortable, so thanks for reading through it. See you next post !
~Banessa