Adoption is generally regarded as a positive experience. The entire concept of it tends to be widely admired by the masses. Rarely does anyone object to the notion of a parentless child being provided a new home, especially after maneuvering through a complex foster care system. After hearing of countless heartbreaking stories of child abuse/neglect and learning of the exponentially rising numbers of kids in foster care, people tend to view adoption favorably.
However, I’d like to examine a whole other layer of adoption that is often overlooked: THE TRAUMA. You might wonder what could be so traumatic about a child who is , for example, in an abusive home being removed and ultimately placed in a safe, loving environment where they can thrive. The trauma of their past doesn’t dissolve just because their environment has changed. Every stage of a child’s adoption process carries a trace of trauma.
My theory is that adoptive children experience some degree of trauma from at least 3 phases:
- Their home environment prior to being adopted.
- The physical act of being separated from their birth family.
- The adjustment of their new home.
All of those steps are common to every adoption, and each one carries its fair share of trauma for the child involved. Some trauma is more severe than other trauma, but it behooves us as adoptive parents to acknowledge that it exists so that we can help our children process and heal from it.
I have read about experiences from adoptees who share their trauma as adults. I’ve learned that a common mistake adoptive parents make is believing that a child’s trauma ends just because they have been removed from a harmful environment to a nurturing environment. From there, the idea is that the child should show appreciation and be happy about their new life.
Unfortunately, it doesn’t work that way. Know that whatever the child has gone through prior to reaching your doorstep still affects them once they’re safe in your home. Children are malleable, and those experiences leave lasting impressions on them that remain long after the seal on the adoption papers dries.
For example, if you adopt a child that comes from a physically abusive home, they’re going to have emotional issues pertaining to that. They may suffer with excessive fear, nightmares, low self-esteem, bedwetting, hiding, paranoia, sadness, anger, and more.
This is often why people do not want to adopt older kids because they do not want to undo the damage often inflicted onto the child by aspects of their previous life. I understand that notion, and I guess every adoptive parent has to know his or her limit and take on what they can handle.
As a single parent, I know there is only so much emotional dysfunction that I can bear, especially with two children. Thus, I don’t plan on adopting children with severe emotional problems. However, it would be naïve of me to think they will have none. Adoption is trauma no matter how you look at it. Consequently, I already have a practice lined up where I will be taking my kids soon after I get custody.
One of the most disheartening narratives I’ve read is about the countless adult adoptees who carried emotional baggage throughout their childhood and didn’t get therapy for it until late adulthood. This is because many adoptive parents don’t understand that the new loving environment they’ve provided for the child isn’t enough to help them fully overcome their trauma. Children often cannot articulate their emotions, so they act out. It’s our job as the people adopting them to help them identify the pain of their past and heal from it…even if it takes years.
When children are removed from their home or given up by birth parents, it is usually because there is some sinister situation causing the breakup of the family, i.e. drugs, mental disorders, untimely death, and long-term incarceration to name a few. All of those experiences adversely affect the psyche of a child and warrant swift attention from a mental health professional.
Not only is it imperative that these children be enrolled in ongoing therapy, but it’s vital that we adoptive parents gain an understanding on the types of trauma adoptees bring to the table. This way we can approach parenting them with a little more grace and understanding.
My adoption agency requires continuing education courses, but I understand that many agencies do not. Either way, I’d like to share one of the best resources for understanding childhood trauma for adoptive parents. The site is : learn.nctsn.org It has a wealth of information, free courses, webinars, and articles discussing the types of trauma kids face.
If you’re reading this post and adopting, I encourage you to take a scroll through some of the topics. You’ll definitely enrich your knowledge about trauma and know what to possibly expect from your future kids.
I’m not saying all adoptive kids are emotionally damaged, but they all need support in regards to their mental health. Adoption itself is a life-changing event that alters the entire trajectory of life for a child. I challenge you as I challenge myself to mentally prepare yourself to give 100% support to the mental well-being of your adopted child. I know that it is exciting to anticipate the arrival of your babies, but let’s not neglect to educate ourselves on childhood trauma and meet them with the psychological support they will greatly need.
I’ll revisit this topic in future posts. In the meantime, thanks for reading ! See you next post !
Banessa