Let’s talk MOTIVES !
Without a doubt, adopting a child is a noble act. It doesn’t make those of us who do it special. We’re just regular people who answered a call. However, we still need to evaluate our motives before adopting.
Let me explain.
A common assumption is that adopters want to adopt to help a child suffering from abandonment, abuse, and/or neglect and instead, give them a safe and loving home where they can thrive and belong. It is my opinion that most adopters hold that position. However, the are a number of foster and adoptive parents who may have ulterior motives, which can ruin a child.
Literally, there are Facebook groups created by disgruntled adoptees who are now grown and come together to share horror stories of being adopted. I read through a slew of stories and comments, and it’s remarkably sad. It makes you wonder why people would put themselves through all of that training and paper work only to provide children with the same or worse experiences from which they came.
Despite most agencies’ attempts to thoroughly vet adopters, there are still some ill-intentioned ones who slip through the cracks. I don’t want your kids or my kids to have those ill-fated testimonies about their adoption experience. One way to prevent that is to examine our motives.
Let’s look at a couple common motives people have when fostering or adopting.
- MONEY. It is no secret that foster children come with a monthly stipend per child. When I began sharing with people that I was adopting, one of the first questions asked to me was “Are you getting a check?” It’s none of their business, and it implies that I must have a hidden agenda for wanting to do this. Yet, I calmly tell these people, “I’m not adopting for a check. I make good money. I don’t need kids for that.” Many people do not understand adoption means my kids are my financial responsibility. It’s different from fostering, (which is not to say that everyone who fosters does it for the money because that’s not true at all.)
Although the question offends me, I understand where the inquiry comes from. Let’s be real, there are SOME foster parents who rely on the monthly stipend to cover expenses unrelated to the children in their care. Unbeknownst to many of these parents, the foster children pick up their motives and act accordingly…even the young ones.
When a child feels a foster parent only took them in because of financial gain, it cheapens the relationship and creates further damage to the child by making them feel used and objectified. They feel as though their foster parents took them in for a check and not because they genuinely want them to be a part of their family. These kids tend to rebel, act out, and fail to attach. Can you blame them ?
The sad part is that the kids often get the bad reputation for misbehaving. However, had their foster parents exhibited pure intentions toward them, they may have responded more favorably to them. I’ll never believe for a second that it’s all on the kids. Motives play a part, and kids can tell when foster parents are ingenuine.
So, before you bring kids into your home, please make sure that this is not something you’re doing for extra income. Those funds are exclusively for the kids in your care and all the things pertaining to them living in your home. Nothing more. If you go into it with intentions other than that, it probably wont be a pleasant experience for you or for them.
- Loneliness. Now this is one that I had to check my motives regarding. Sometimes single men and women without kids adopt to escape loneliness. Again, adoption is a noble act, but it shouldn’t be done so one can feel less lonely. That thinking sets you up for failure because KIDS DON’T CURE LONELINESS. If anything, they may add to it because constantly tending to their needs can drown out your ability to take care of your own…making you feel even more lonely.
I have had conversations with women who are married with children who claim to feel lonely A LOT. You ever hear of people who are in large crowds but still feel lonely ? So, even with a house full of children, you can still feel intense loneliness.
Real talk, I had to really ask myself if this was something I was doing to fix the lonely feelings that often accompany living alone. After I remembered the previous truths about how loneliness is often magnified after kids, I still wanted to do it.
I manage my lonely days quite well with constructive outlets, so I think I have a healthy handle on it. Plus, I realize that kids are not here to serve my needs. They have needs of their own, and I’m actually looking forward to pouring into them and giving them the childhood I had…as close as I can get to it anyway.
Children owe us nothing, and we have to keep the scripture James 1: 27 in mind as our foundation:
“Religion that is pure and undefiled before God the Father is this: to care for orphans and widows in their distress, and to keep oneself unstained by the world.” NRSV James 1:27
In this passage, God gives US the charge to care for orphans and meet their needs, not the other way around. So, let’s be sure to pursue our foster care and adoptions with pure hearts free of questionable motives.
There may be other motives for wanting to adopt, but these are the main two that came to mind. The point is that we need to pause and examine our hearts and readjust our expectations if needed. The more pure your intentions are, the better the outcome will be for you and for the children in your care. That is my belief anyway.
I know this was a heavy post, but it was a necessary one. As always, feel free to leave me a comment below. Thank you so much for reading. See you next post !
With Love & Grace,
Banessa