How does this couple already have a placement when they began the process after we did ?
I’m of a certain ethnicity, and some birth mothers will opt not to place their baby with me because of my race.
I’m single, and I know most birth mothers prefer to place their babies with couples over a single parent.
I bet that couple got their baby so fast because they have lots of money.
Do any of these statements and questions sound familiar ? These are common thoughts that run through the minds of many HAPs (Hopeful Adoptive Parents) as the navigate through their adoption journey. Like many other areas of life, the trap of comparison can rear its ugly head along the adoption journey of many well-intentioned prospective parents. That’s our topic today…Let’s discuss.
At any given time, an adoption agency can have several families waiting in line for an infant. Although there are over 100,000 children in the U.S. foster system available for adoption, only a small percentage of that number are infants. In fact, there are more families waiting for infants that there are actual infants available for adoption. It’s a waiting game that can take years, and I can imagine that many of these HAPs feel like they are competing against other HAPs for the next available baby. The process is very taxing and filled with a myriad of emotions. In a world of social media, people can easily see different versions of the adoption process and will thusly compare their journey to other adoptive parents. Healthy comparison is okay and can actually help you learn. The problem arises when it stirs up negative emotions.
Personally, I don’t experience the comparison trap so much as an adoptive parent. I am adopting through foster care, and I am not looking for an infant. I’m open to older children, which broadens my possibilities. Specifically, I want two African American sisters who are elementary school age and are free for adoption (not just fostering). I’m sure there are other HAPs who share my preference, but not as many as if I were in line for an infant. When you are open to older children, the waiting room is a lot less crowded. That being said, I personally don’t tend to compare my journey to others because I don’t feel like I’m waiting in a line that’s wrapped around a building. However, I can see how other prospective parents could easily fall into that trap.
Had I been open to two sisters who just needed temporary care, I could have gotten that kind of placement the first day I was licensed. The day my foster/adopt license was approved with the State of Georgia, I received a call for three siblings: 2 girls and 1boy. Although thrilled at the idea of being offered a placement so soon, I declined because they were not free for adoption. It would have just been a temporary situation, and I am committed to only opening my home to children who are in need of a forever home and forever family.
I plan to purchase beds/cribs based on the age and gender of the children I adopt. I also plan to take maternity leave from my job upon receiving custody. So, I don’t want to make those kind of investments based on temporary custody situations. So, I continue to wait for a placement that is more permanent. Another reason for my delay is because I am currently on medical leave from work until my back heals. So, I am fully aware of why I’m in this holding pattern, and I’m good with it. This helps me not to compare because I understand that my journey is personal and doesn’t have to mirror that of anyone else.
I am in no way placing myself above HAPs who do struggle with comparison. Trust me, I have a plethora of other shortcomings, lol. This just happens to be an area where I am strong. If you can spare a few more moments, I’d like to share with you the mindset that helps me to maintain a healthy perspective about adoption comparison.
When we answer the call of adoption, our focus should not be on receiving a placement at the time we want the child/ren. It’s about when the child needs us the most. We must always remember the children’s needs are the center of this process and not our desires. I was licensed on January 19, 2021. I would have loved to have been offered two little girls free for adoption at that time, but that may not be the time that the little girls God wants to give me are available or in need of me.
James 1:27 says, “ Pure and undefiled religion before God is this: to care for orphans and widows in their distress, and to keep oneself unspotted from the world. “
The objective is to make ourselves available for these children as we are needed, however long that may take. Again, it’s not about God dropping a child into our lap when we want them. It’s an act of service, and it’s critical that we sacrifice our time frames of becoming a parent and submit to God’s timing instead. It’s about the needs of the children, not about our wants and our timing. Learn to trust that God will match you with the child meant for you at the appropriate time. Adopting this mindset removes selfishness out of the agenda and allows us to keep sight that there is no competition amongst us HAPs. Our posture should be, “God, I’m here whenever you need me. I’ve done my part, and I’m allowing you to orchestrate this in your time.”
After you pray that, then wait.
Know that your waiting is on God’s timetable and not your own. There’s confidence in that. Once you achieve that confidence, you will know there is no need to compare your journey to any other adoptive parent.
I truly hope this helps someone. See you next post !
Abundant Blessings,
Banessa