As you know, children of all ages infiltrate the adoption system. However, it is no secret that infants are the most preferred children to adopt. Honestly, I get it. I really do. The idea is that you’re getting a child from the beginning of life where you’ll be able to experience all of their firsts in life. You might figure they have no memory of neglect or abuse. Plus, you’ll be the only parent(s) the child knows.
If those are your reasons for wanting to adopt an infant, you’re justified in that. In fact, I encourage you to pursue your heart’s desire. Just know that ALL adopted children come from trauma, even if they’re only 1 day old. The physical act of being separated from a biological parent is felt by an infant in a myriad of ways. They will not mentally remember the separation in the future, but their bodies will remember it. There is a whole book about this called “Toddler Adoption” that I highly recommend.
It opens your eyes about the realities of adopting babies and toddlers that many people are not aware of pre-adoption. I’m open to this age range, so reading this book taught me a lot about what to expect when adopting these children.
You can visit the ADOPTION RESOURCES page of this website and purchase it. Just click the ADOPTION RESOURCES tab above. (See pink menu bar.)
Now that we’ve established that infancy is the most sought-after age in the adoption world, let’s have a heart-to-heart convo about older child adoption.
Trigger Alert: I am sensitive about this subject, so just know that I am sharing my thoughts with the intention to enlighten readers, not ridicule them for having preferences of younger children. Part of me has that preference, too. However, I’m open to where God leads me. I just wanted to clarify in advance, lol.
That being said, I often get irritated with people who disapprove of older child adoption. They typically justify their disapproval by saying those children are damaged and too far gone to be any value to a family. I honestly don’t think people mean any harm, but that mindset causes more harm than they realize. Foster kids are aware that most adoptive parents prefer younger children. Since they obviously cannot help their age, they grow frustrated. Over time, they often become cold, hardened, and distant. Can you see why, though ?
Imagine this: You are a foster child at no fault of your own. You don’t cause trouble, and when you do, it’s simply a response of the trauma you’ve endured. Your birth parents are unable to care for you and maybe don’t even want you. That alone is a terrible, lonely feeling that would ruin any child’s spirit. Not only are you without your parents, but you are in a foster system that can make you feel unwanted by constantly not being chosen. Thirdly, the people in society who have the power to give you a safe and loving home have already deemed you unfit to be part of their family because of your age. This can make you question your worth and even your own existence.
Sadly, many of the kids age out of the system without ever getting adopted. They are released into the world coming from a background of separation, loss, and everchanging living arrangements. To a child, all of this spells out: UNWANTED. Now they have to enter into society as an adults with this debilitating mindset. Do you see the disadvantage these kids face ?
Feeling unwanted and unloved is a heavy burden that leads to a lot of bad behavior that society pays for in the end, which leads me to my next point. Over 50% of the prison system came from foster care. That’s not to say that foster care necessarily leads to prison. It indicates that when a child endures a system that deems them as worthless, the outcome is often a life of criminal activity.
There is an African proverb that says, “A child who is not embraced by its village will burn it down to feel it’s warmth.”
People act out what they believe about themselves. If you believe you are discarded, unworthy, and low value, pretty soon you act those feelings out. It’s unfortunate, but there’s something we can do about it.
We can start by changing our mindsets about older child adoption. The next time someone says they’re adopting a pre-teen or teenager, support them. You don’t have to do it yourself, but what will it hurt to offer encouragement to those who do ? I’ve even found myself getting anxiety about the negative responses people might give me if I decide to adopt an older child.
When people tell me that tweens and teens are problematic, I remind them that most of us were problematic at that age as well. Yet, our parents still deemed us fit to be part of a safe and loving family. If we deserved a safe and loving home at that age, why shouldn’t the kids in foster care ? Are we any better ?
You may be reading this blog because you are adopting, or maybe you have a loved one that is adopting. Whichever the case, I challenge you to see the overwhelming need older children have for great homes. Let’s be mindful of our attitudes regarding older child adoption. Don’t be mindful in effort to spare the feelings of adoptive parents, but be mindful to spare the downtrodden spirits of the youth in foster care. Society’s rejection hurts and understandably so.
Words hurt and you wouldn’t believe how far they travel. If you don’t want to provide space in your home for an adoptive child who may be 8, 12, or even 16 years old, at least make space in your heart when you see someone else attempting to do so. Let’s normalize embracing older child adoption even if we ourselves are not the ones doing it.
I hope you feel my heart on this matter. I hope it didn’t come across as a rant, but this subject is sensitive to me. I’d love to read your thoughts about it. Drop me comment below. Be abundantly blessed & See you next post !
