Hey there…it’s been a minute ! I guess I have some catching up to do. First, let me just admit I needed to take a break . I’ll tell you why, but doing so requires some transparency on my part. Bear with me…today’s post is rather long.
November was National Adoption Awareness Month, which I’ve learned can be a tough time for many adoptees. In the adoption world, NAAM is a big deal. It’s celebrated like a holiday for an entire month. As I’ve learned, many adoptees respond unfavorably to the hoopla surrounding NAAM.
Case in point, I received an influx of troubling comments on my social media platform from random adult adoptees regarding my desire to adopt…not just my desire but anyone’s desire to adopt. Many adoptees wrestle with adoption because of disturbing childhood experiences.
Apparently, there are online communities where adult adoptees connect to share their adoption stories. Many of these are horror stories of traumatic adoption experiences usually at the hands of their adoptive parents. As a result, many of these adoptees are not fans of “HAPS” (Hopeful Adoptive Parents). Occasionally, they will land on the page of a HAP like myself and leave disparaging remarks about adoption that condescend and criticize the intentions of people wanting to adopt. They’re harsh and aggressive to say the least.
That being stated, HAPS often use social media to 1) Share their adoption journey, 2) Promote themselves to birth mothers looking for a family with whom to place their unborn child, and 3) Guide other adopters along the process. Since creating Pathway To Adoption, I’ve learned that our social media presence can be a trigger to some adoptees who have yet to work through the pain they carry from childhood.
Honestly, I didn’t see that coming. I tried to converse with a few of these adoptees to convince them that not all HAPS are out to cause harm or tear families apart. Many of us are here to fill in the gaps when/where we are needed. Sadly, my words failed to make a difference.
These exchanges, although just a few, were rather unpleasant since they were unsolicited and unprovoked by me. I had to delete condescending comments and use the block button a few times. I reached out to other adoption pages and learned that this was common practice and to just ignore it. In the future, I’ll do just that- but I couldn’t help but be bothered by the ongoing pain suffered by so many adoptees who are well into their adulthood.
I will always be an advocate for adoption when it’s done ethically and legally. However, I am aware that the American adoption industry is no stranger to coercion, corruption, and unadulterated greed. For that, I understand why many adoptees view the adoption system in a negative light. I get it, and I understand unprocessed pain can manifest itself through harsh and bitter words. I know it isn’t personal, but I’m not one to be bullied, especially through a computer.
Additionally, I am on medical leave from work due to a back injury. When I shared this with my adoption agency at my annual review in November, they suggested that I place my adoption on hold until my recovery is complete. I agreed, but I was still a little down that my adoption was being delayed. The holidays were approaching , and I had to swallow the idea that I would endure another childless Christmas. People who adopt know what that feels like.
So, after encountering a few bullies and running into an unforeseen delay, I decided to take a break from my blog and just focus on the family I do have.
However, it’s a New Year, and I know beyond the shadow of doubt that God has called me to this! So, I return to help others navigate this process as I still navigate it myself.
If I’ve learned nothing else, not everyone who has been adopted has a fairytale story to tell. Adoption is trauma no matter how you look at it. It’s birthed out of loss. It just jarred me to see how many adult adoptees are still recovering from childhood wounds caused by a failing system that didn’t protect them. When I say “wounds”, I mean deep wounds that need mending under the care of a compassionate therapist.
Although I’m opposed to being a target of bullying, I do recognize when people are acting out of deep pain.
It’s disheartening, and I dread that I can’t cure that pain. I can, however, take note and change the trajectory of life for the children that I will one day raise. I want to hear from adoptees but only with respectful dialog on how adoptive parents can effectively create change in the lives of foster/adopted children for the better.
Let’s aim for that in 2022. I’m a little late but I wish everyone a prosperous New Year filled with joy, healing, and abundance. Let’s Go !
Leave me a comment below & Thanks for reading. See you next post !
Banessa